This Is War!

Helicopter Ben has parked his whirly bird. In an announced new campaign to fight financial calamity, Bumbling Ben has traded in his chopper for a B-52. Declaring the much maligned chopper as "not up to the task", Ben has decided to carpet bomb the continent with money thrown from the bowels of an aged Flying Fortress.

"The Benjamin's are gonna fly from the sky," he crowed as he buckled in for this continental air show of indeterminate duration.

The cut was more than many economists expected, and the statement that came with it left Wall Street Traders and Financial TV talking heads in a complete state of "shock and awe". Stock prices began reflating immediately as the Dollar[s] plummeted from the sky.

"Maybe there will be a Christmas after all," cried one teary eyed Wall Street trader clutching a fist full of Dollars.

"The Federal Reserve will employ all available weapons to promote the resumption of sustainable economic growth and to preserve price stability," the Fed said in a statement. It added that it expected interest rates to remain "exceptionally" low for some time, a subtle commitment to the current policy that could help bring down longer-term interest rates.

President-elect Barack Obama used the Fed move as a rallying call for more fiscal stimulus, the idea of more government spending or tax cuts, which Fed officials support.

"We are running out of the traditional ammunition that's used in a recession, which is to lower interest rates," Mr. Obama said in a news conference. "They're getting to be about as low as they can go. And although the Fed is still going to have more tools available to it, it is critical that the other branches of government step up."

The approach carries several risks. It could eventually lead to the opposite of the current problem: higher inflation. It also exposes the independent central bank to political meddling and to losses on loans. Then there's the risk that it won't work.

"Sometimes your the hero, and sometimes you're the goat," Captain Bernanke said in prepared remarks. "I wash my hands of this dilemma once and for all," is all he had to say as he tossed the kitchen sink into the fray.

"God Bless America!"

Gold and Silver prices soared on the news that Captain Ben was going to carpet bomb the continent with Benjamins. Gold rose to meet resistance at 857-60. Silver exploded through 11 and found itself in the rarefied air around 11.40 before pausing to catch it's breath. Support now lies below at 835 for Gold and 11.11 for Silver.

A run on wheelbarrows was reported at several Home Depots across the continent as homeowners prepared to collect their stash. Santa Claus and his sleigh have nothing on Captain Ben and his B-52. Rejoice America! The price of EVERYTHING is about to go up.